Sibling relationships are often described as the longest relationships in life. Yet, many experience estrangement, a reality often unspoken due to shame or indifference. Estrangement comes in different forms: fading, non-existing, or avoiding that result in low or no contact. By midlife, most siblings are not particularly close, and the reasons may be surprising. The common belief is that estrangement is the sibling's fault, but in reality, it is often the result of a dysfunctional family with dysfunctional parents.
Why Sibling Estrangement Happens
- Different Childhoods, Different Wounds – Siblings can have vastly different experiences growing up, shaping unique perspectives and unresolved wounds.
- Childhood Hurts Resurface Later – Early conflicts often manifest dramatically in adulthood, especially during their parents' elderly years or after one or both parents' passing, leading to estrangement.
- Parental Favoritism and Early Bullying – While these contribute, they are symptoms of deeper family dysfunction.
- Geography – Many siblings live in the same region yet never meet, proving that distance isn’t the real issue—it’s often just an excuse. Siblings who value their relationship make an effort to stay close, sometimes even choosing to live near one another. Meanwhile, those who are indifferent don’t prioritize being close and thus relationships further erode over time.
- Common Rationalizations – People justify low or no-contact sibling relationships with claims like “we are very different" or “they have a busy career,” masking deeper issues.
The Shame and Blame Cycle
Estrangement carries shame—feeling something is wrong with the family—while also fostering blame towards the sibling rather than recognizing family dysfunction. The truth is that estrangement rarely happens in a healthy family. Dysfunctional parenting, unresolved family traumas, and poor communication create the conditions for sibling disconnection.
The Bigger Picture: Family Dysfunction
- Dysfunctional Parenting – Estrangement often stems from how parents shaped the sibling dynamic.
- Parental Estrangement Patterns – Many parents of estranged siblings were estranged from their own siblings.
- Family Dissatisfaction – Childhood environments often hinted at deeper family discontent. Kids thus tend to want to leave home and live away as far as possible. Such decision is sometimes unconscious.
- Estrangement as a Product of Upbringing – Instead of blaming the sibling, recognize they are shaped by the same dysfunctional family system resulted from unhealed generational wounds. Acknowledge that it's hard to switch the deep-seated belief that they are awful, greedy, stingy, competitive or uncaring.
Moving Forward
Healing is key to preventing or repairing estrangement. By focusing on personal growth, we can cultivate compassion for both ourselves and our siblings, breaking the cycle of dysfunction and fostering potential reconnection—or at least reducing anger and bitterness. The only person we can change is ourselves. The more self-compassion we develop, the more understanding we can extend to others. Recognizing that estrangement stems from family dysfunction, rather than personal failure, is the first step towards healing.